


Porn Night on the USS Enterprise

by Near_Family



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-06
Updated: 2013-03-06
Packaged: 2017-12-04 12:29:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,470
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/710797
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Near_Family/pseuds/Near_Family
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jim decides the Enterprise needs a Porn Night and that Spock's porn-watching-virginity needs to be taken! Also: just what is Bones up to?  Hints of Kirk/McCoy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Porn Night on the USS Enterprise

**Author's Note:**

> Rated for themes, there's nothing particularly graphic.   
> This has been edited slightly from the original posted on other sites. Nothing major though.

  

“I do not understand.” Spock says from Jim's right, “The noises, vaguely reminiscent of those made by the domestic felines of Earth, are supposed to be arousing?”

“Well, yeah. If that's your thing,” Jim glances over at his First Officer. He's sitting up, back ramrod straight, with his head tilted _just so_ and his eyes almost imperceptibly narrowed. This particular expression often leads to Jim imagining Spock seated primly at his desk drawing up flow charts and word webs with phrases like **'emotional turmoil = physical manifestations of pain focused on** **primary circulatory organ** **= Why?'** and **“The man's a complete idiot, bless his** **fuzzy, little heart** **”** followed by **'Size of circulatory organ considered relevant to intelligence = illogical'** and **'advanced medical texts indicate a lack of fur or hair to be characteristic of this organ = further inquires necessary'** in an attempt to make humans less confusing through the judicious application of diagrammatic reasoning. “Spock, this is supposed to be recreational. Just relax, okay?”

“Why are we doing this again?” Sulu asks from Spock's other side. He's spent the first five minutes of the vid staring at the ceiling and snorting at the more ridiculous dialog. Chekov picks up a few pieces of popcorn from the bowl on the table and pops them in his mouth, eyes never leaving the vid screen. Jim isn't sure but he thinks the kid hasn't blinked since the show started.

“It's tradition, laddy!” Scotty says, raising his voice so he can be heard over the throaty moaning coming from the screen. “Ya cannae serve aboard a star ship and not have a Porn Night. Besides, Spock's never seen any an that's just a crime against nature, that is.”

“You don't like porn, Sulu?” Cupcake asks good naturedly, looking up from the floor where a few members from Security have set up camp.

“No, I'm _fine_ with porn. This just isn't my thing.”

A collective _“Whoaaa!”_ fills the room as the Trilliav woman on screen bends over backwards to wrap her elongated tongue around the man's scrotum, her hips never leaving their place astride his. Jim grins. He is the master of porn selection.

“There! What do you think of that?” Jim looks at Spock as he points at the screen.

“Her range of flexibility is impressive.”

“It's _hot_.” Jim corrects.

“Hobgoblin, lend me your freakishly precise brain for a second and tell me, about how much bigger is the right testicle compared to the left?” Bones' grumpy drawl comes from the end of the couch.

“Approximately nine point three two percent.” Is the prompt reply.

“Yeah, that sounds about right.” Bones mutters under his breath. He scribbles something down on his PADD and circles it. “A bit of discoloration too.”

“Right... I'm just going to forget you said that.” Jim shifts his gaze from Bones to Sulu who's squinting at the screen with the rest of the room, all their powers of observation focused on an otherwise spectacularly uninteresting pair of balls. “Why isn't this your thing?”

“I'm gay.”

“So? I know plenty of gay guys who like straight porn.”

“I'm not one of them.”

“If you do not find this variety of visual pornography pleasing,” Spock inquires, quirking an eyebrow, “Why have you joined in the activity? Is there a social obligation to participate?”

“Yeah, Sulu. Why _did_ you stick around for this?” Jim asks, grinning.

Sulu gives Jim a biting look then tips his head very slightly in Chekov's direction. Jim examines the possibilities of this reaction in the back of his mind. He prides himself in being well attuned to his crew, able to detect bad moods, lethargy or unusual exuberance from half way down the corridor and around a corner, but there are some things even _he_ doesn't really have a feel for. The emotional stability of Stellar Cartography is one (his latest method of inquiry on this point is to ask one of the Ensigns to read his horoscope and then carefully note the amount of hysteria in the incredulous laughter that follows) and another is the exact nature of the relationship between his most talented pilot and his genius navigator.

Jim makes a mental bet with himself. If Sulu's only here to make sure his friend doesn't get any weird ideas about sex in _real life_ , Jim gets an hour spent flirting with nurses in Med-Bay as a cover for a very _stealthy_ recon on possible Bones-Dedicated-Seduction-Methods (BDSM for short, which he will always find entertaining). But if Sulu's here so he'll know _exactly_ where his boyfriend is getting all his kinky ideas, Jim gets to spend an hour coming up with the most illogical yet deviously compelling reasons for Spock to watch old American soap operas. Either way, Jim wins.

“Tell you what Lad,” Scotty leans across Jim, stretching his arm out for a hand full of popcorn. “Next time, you can pick out the vid!”

“Hey!” Jim whines, “I'm Captain, I should get to make those kinds of decisions.”

“Nyet, Mr. Scott, Sulu's are all boring.” This statement is, amazingly, far more interesting to the room than the incredible prehensile tricks of the actress' tongue.

“You've been through my files?” Sulu's incredulous accusation stands out amongst the many exclamations of: ' _You've been watching porn?_ '. Jim's brow furrows. BDSM recon is looking less likely but watching _Days of Our Lives_ with a perplexed Vulcan isn't looking any _more_ likely. Should he have come up with a third option? An hour spent hunting for Scotty's not-so-secret still in case of all other outcomes?

“You left your console logged in,” Chekov waves a hand dismissively. “Is all reports and novels and things...”

“Oh.”

“... and plant porn.”

“Pavel, that's not porn!” Sulu manages to get out over the roar of laughter. “That's vid data for Xenobiology. It's _research_!”

“Is wegetable fornication.” Chekov wrinkles his nose at a particularly raunchy exchange as the Human man rolls the Trilliav woman onto her back. “The acting is _so bad_!”

“It's porn,” Cupcake says with a snort, “This isn't a high art form. What did you expect?”

“Russian porn is much better.”

“Of _course_ it is.”

Jim would join Cupcake's defense of his home region's fine merchandise against the curly-haired Russian oppressor if the _best damn part_ of the entire vid wasn't coming up next. The _entire_ reason he decided to kick off the first  Epic Porn Night of Epic Porny-ness with _Encounters on Risa Vol. 2_ instead of _Andorian Orgy Fest!_. He turns so he can have a good view of Spock's face, positive this will achieve the fabled 'Double Eyebrow Raise' and not wanting to miss a second of it. As a bonus, he's got a pretty good view of Sulu and Chekov too.

He waits, ticking the seconds back in his head.

 

5...

4...

3...

2...

1...

 

“ **OHHHHHHH!** ”

“Did you _see_ that!”

“Holy shit, man!”

“That's CG, it's gotta be!”

“One hundred percent real folks! I analyzed the disk myself.” Jim has not been disappointed. Not by his crew and not by Spock. One eyebrow has climbed the mighty slopes of his First Officer's forehead and the other _definitely_ spasmed upward before being taken firmly under control. Grinning, Jim looks past Spock to see Chekov dragging Sulu's hand down from over his eyes. Even Bones has glanced up at the screen, squinting with his mouth open just slightly as though he can't believe what he's seeing.

' _My work here is done._ ' Jim thinks, basking in the continued astonishment of the room.

“Fuck! She did it again!”

“What _are_ those things?”

“Computer! Freeze and magnify, reference point at center screen.” Bones snaps.

“Bones, you're participating!” Jim yells, wiping away non-existent tears from his eyes and hamming it up. “I'm... so proud of you. All grown up and ogling girl bits.”

“Shut it, Jim.” Bones leans forward to get a better view of the screen.

“No, seriously,” Cupcake says, “What are those things?”

“Do we care? _Jesus_ , she's got them pulled almost all the way in!”

“Dermal flaking...” Bones mutters, tapping the top of his stylus against his plump bottom lip. The pornographic re-imaginings of which make Jim's mind go fuzzy at the edges. It takes him a little longer to process what is actually being said because of this. “Purple pigmentation underneath.”

“Skin flakes?” Sulu asks, sounding skeptical. “Looks more like scales to me.”

“But the skin tone is naturally pale red, so the rash is _actually_ blue-”

“Ah, damn it,” Jim whines when his mind catches up to the conversation. “ _Bones!_ ”

“That's a _rash_?”

“Hey, does anyone remember if there was pebbling on the aureoles?” Bones looks around the room as though he's really expecting anyone to be able to answer that.

“The what?”

“He means her nipples.”

“Bones, I told you to leave the CMO shit at the door-”

“In fact,” Spock interjects, using what Jim likes to think of as his ' _Relax Bitches, I got this_ ' voice. “The term aureole refers to the circular area of darker skin which surrounds the nipple,” Hearing Spock say 'nipple' would, on any other occasion, make Jim giggle uncontrollably like a twelve year-old boy. At the moment, he's still trying to catch Bones' eye so he can glare disapprovingly at him. “The female's aureoles did indeed exhibit pebbling, or 'goose flesh' as it is also known. Is this knowledge relevant to our viewing?”

“I _distinctly_ told you-” Jim tries again. He stops mid sentence when the doctor fucking _cackles_. Bones has the kind of face that can produce the most astonishingly vivid expressions. Jim learned very quickly, back at the Academy, all the various nuances that Bones can create with just his _eyebrows_ and he uses this mental catalog to his advantage as often as possible. Right now Bones is grinning, eyebrows conveying triumphant depravity with a side of mischievousness as he scrawls something across his PADD, circles it with relish and snaps open his comm.

“McCoy to Chapel.” He says, barely waiting for his head nurse to reply before cutting her off. “Bingo!”

“ _Son of a Bitch!”_ Chapel yells in disbelief. Jim is briefly shocked speechless. He's never heard the woman curse before. _“We're hardly ten minutes in, there's_ _ **no way**_ _you've got five this fast!”_

“Jim has a _remarkable_ collection.” Bones is fucking _gleeful_. “You'd be amazed.”

“Gimme that!” Jim snatches the PADD from Bones' hand just as Chekov's leaning in to get a look. He glances over the table currently being displayed. Blinks and reads the title again. “ _STD Bingo_? Bones!”

“ _I demand proof!”_ Chapel can barely be heard over the chorus of groans. _“Send me a copy of your score card... and the name of the vid.”_

Bones snatches his PADD out of Jim's hands, whacks the top of his head with it, then taps in the command to transfer the document. “Sent. And it's called Encounters on Risa.”

“Volume two!” Jim says loud enough for Chapel to hear him on the other end.

“ _Are you serious?”_ It's Gaila's voice that answers. _“I've been looking all over for that! Where did you get it?”_

“Are we going to resume play any time soon, do you think?” Scotty asks, half to himself.

“Nope! There are important business matters to attend to.” Jim jumps up, making his way towards Bones to _request_ the use of his friend's comm like a civilized human being... and trips over Sulu's legs along the way. He lands on Bones' lap. There's really nothing like having your face planted firmly in your best friend's crotch to send civilized behavior out the air lock. They have a brief struggle over the comm which Jim resolves by leaning backwards over the arm of the sofa and pinning Bones' arms up around the doctor's head with his legs. “Gaila! Gregarious, gorgeous, gracious, glorious, generous, graceful, gifted, good-hearted, I've-run-out-of-G-words, Gaila!”

“Dammit Jim! Get off me.”

“ _You're so_ _**funny**_ _Jimmy, now give me your source.”_ Gaila replies, voice silky, sultry and all business.

“What, you're not going to butter me up?” Jim grins, “Maybe I don't want to share my toys...”

“ _Play nice kiddies.”_ He hears Uhura saying in the background.

“Uhura! Upstanding, urbane... um... _Utilitarian_? Crap.” Jim locks his ankles together without thinking as Bones' tries to wrench one arm free. “Yeah, that's all I've got. So what are you lovely ladies up to?”

“ _We're watching_ _The Lesbian Adventures of Captain Busty Bev: Crash landing on Delta IV and I'm not telling you how I got it!”_

For an instant Jim considers begging on bended knee and offering to buy Gaila every power cupling and ETM surge converter her little heart desires. Until he's rolled off the couch arm and crashes face first into the floor.

“Fucking _finally_.” Bones growls, leaning over to dig around for his wayward comm.

“The Adventures of Busty Bev?” Jim hears Sulu geek-gasm as he roles over, holding his aching nose. “That's vintage gold! Where did you find it?”

“ _Sorry, I'm not telling. But I'll let you borrow it sometime.”_ Gaila's voice comes from under the coffee table.

“So you're a fan of _lesbian_ porn.” Cupcake says, his smirk audible in his voice. “I see how it is. The guy's Porn Night just isn't good enough for you.”

“Dude, don't you dis Captain Bev. It's a classic and it's got an actual _narrative structure_.”

“Alright, enough of this shit,” Bones has retrieved his comm. He glances down at Jim, checking him over for damage. So Jim pouts, pointing at his nose and giving Bones his best ' _Kiss It Better_ ' look. Bones roles his eyes, his eyebrows set to _'Don't Be Such An Infant'_. “Chapel, you ready to accept defeat or what?”

“ _I can't believe you found Rhaandarite dhobi affecting a Trilliav of the third sex in a B-rate porn!”_ Chapel complains, sounding defeated.

“Ach! The plot thickens!” Scotty chortles.

“Wait, wait, wait!” And Ensign from Security holds up his hands for silence. “Are you telling me _she's_ not a woman?”

“Nope.” Bones says, grinning smugly now that Chapel has conceded his victory. “Tilliavs have an interesting gestation cycle. Kinda like taking a kangaroo and a seahorse and smushing them together. So, to answer your earlier question Lieutenant, those are Fetal Claspers. Used when transferring the infant at the beginning of the final trimester. Not some strange extension of the labia, which _ze_ doesn't actually have.”

“Dammit Bones!” Jim says, looking back and forth between his friend and the view screen. “Now I'm gonna have to re-tag nearly a quarter of my collection.”

“What. You're actually going to keep this?” Sulu turns to Jim, incredulous. “After Dr. McCoy won a game of STD Bingo with _just_ this vid, in the first _ten minutes_?”

“Hell, yeah!” Jim pops the disk out and places it carefully back in its case. “Testicle eating vaginas are _hot_.”

“It's _not_ a vagina, Jim!”

“Fascinating.”

 

*


End file.
